Close Quarters
So Close Quarters is over - it really happened. Some of the wonderful people who came have been posting about it, but I figured that I really ought to say a little myself. I haven't said too much over the months I've been preparing for it - somehow I can't seem to figure out how to use my LJ that way, for that sort of ongoing life update, and I wish I could, because it would make me feel more connected. But it probably will come as no surprise to hear that I'm not reallyl good at being succinct! (And I know there are many of you out there to whom I owe emails, or edits; and I'm behind on archiving and various other things...I'm sorry about that and hopefully, now that the con is over, will gradually begin catching up.)

Anyway, CQ went really, really well. All the weeks of preparation paid off - just about everything went smoothly and as planned. gblvr, my Number One Minion, was an immense help and such a pleasure to work with; I don't think I could have done it without her, or if I had I'd have been a lot less sane, and certainly much less happy. Not least is the fact that she's incredibly talented and full of great ideas - her Rasterbator images of Bodie, Doyle, and B&D together were just so cool.

You can see the dots best on the black and white one:




Anyway, as is probably obvious from the room, it was such a relaxed, informal con - with lots and lots and lots of food; gblvr and I went a bit overboard, and she, aerye, and I among us baked tons and tons of cookies, brownies, and rice crispie bars. So many people were willing to pitch in and lend a hand - the_shoshanna (and helpers) put together the registration packets Thursday night; hagsrus, aerye, and msmoat stayed up late Thursday to Rasterbate; Karilyn helped gblvr set up the Orphan Dealers Table, meri_oddities manned that table and registration throughout...the list goes on. The fact that everything was in one moderate-sized room made it easy - the dealers and people at the tables could participate in panels and games, or watch the TV. The registration packets were well received, including the miniature working handcuffs (there was a toy paratrooper in handcuffs tacked to the wall all weekend! *g*), and the little glossy stickers I made at the last minute showing images of B&D were a hit - something I never expected. Funny how you can't always anticipate.

The panels were really, really, interesting; the panel moderators were good and effective, and the discussion was lively, and the panel topics were varied enough that it never felt repetitive. I hoped it would work out that way, of course, but I couldn't know in advance, and I was so happy - and relieved! - that it did. Usually at a con there's a single Pros panel, and you end up talking about "why I love Bodie and Doyle"; it was just so cool to be able to devote a full hour to What Would B&D Do Post-CI5 (no one thought that leaving CI5 would threaten their relationship - very interesting!), or Canon vs. Fanon, or Themes and Tropes in Pros Fanfiction - and of course, my favorite, Hottest Sex Scenes from Pros Stories!

I was concerned about the vid show - that it was too long, or that everyone would have seen all the vids, or that the balance of old and new wouldn't be right... but it seemed to be a rousing success. My four new remastered vids were received warmly, especially deejay's Deteriorata, which looks fantastic now that you can see it, and the Media Cannibals' Stray Cat Strut (that Doyle - he really does move like a cat!). Everyone laughed at crimson37's If You Were Gay, and got all sober for przed's Cosy Prisons, and of course A Fire Is Burning is a perennial favorite. I could go on and on... They were all good, and I never tire of them!

The dealers had all sorts of good swag - used zines, magnets, keychains, DVDs of all the various things MS and LC have been in, prints...just all sorts of stuff. And artconserv ran the print shop, which was amazing - prints of her gorgeous Bodie and Doyle art, and lots and lots of Suzan's stuff, including some of her much older, formerly out-of-print pieces that we resurrected for this con. Also some of Jean Kluge's prints.

faramir_boromir can take full credit for the games... she did a fantastic job on Saturday night's multi-part quiz on very short notice. It turned out to be much more challenging than we anticipated, and it went on a bit too long - that was my one major miscalculation, and I'll know better next time. It's a great concept, because the team structure and different sections allow everyone to participate, even people who don't know canon that well, haven't seen every episode or don't know every episode name - e.g., there's an "observation" section, where you watch a clip and then have to answer questions about what you saw! - and it's really very fun - lots of moaning and groaning when the tough questions come up, but someone always knows the answer. It just needs a bit of refinement. The winning team was absolutely amazing, and they got nice prizes - Pros calendars, which I'd designed on Zazzle with much pain, agony, and swearing, but which came out just gorgeous, if I do say so myself.

And Porny Pros Pictionary Sunday morning...I thought it'd be fun, and funny, but I never expected it to be such a blast! It was modelled on china_shop's Muskrat Jamboree Pictionary (thanks to her for her advice!), and it was just a riot, even if there weren't quite enough erections for some of the participants *g*. I'm sure faramir_boromir will remedy that next time - this one's definitely a keeper.

So all in all...a success, I think; it seemed to me that that was the consensus, and the consensus definitely seemed to be that I should do it again. It was a lot of work - and definitely not a money-maker (understatement of the year!!!). But though it'd be nice to come a little closer to breaking even, what I really wanted was the feeling that people had had fun, that they'd were enthusiastic and excited to be there, that everyone was just wallowing in the B/D love, reveling in it, basking in it - all B&D, all the time. That's what I needed to make me want to do it again - the feeling that I wasn't alone with it, that people had fun and actively wanted it. That, to me, is fannish "currency" - that sharing of enthusiasm and passion, that generosity of spirit; that's what makes me willing to, glad to, give back whatever I can. And this is something I can.

So I'm going to do it again, or at least it looks that way - in two years. I like the every-other-year concept, like SHareCon; I think that's better for a small con with a small attendance, and it keeps it more special. Keeps me saner, too; not burned out. (And married! *g* Mr. JaC has seen very little of me the past month or two... He asked, are you going to do this every year? And I said, oh no no no - not for two years. After all, next year I have to do con.txt again!)

The thing about this con was...I had fun. I was able to relax and laugh and enjoy myself. A week and a half before the con I was wired and...not really stressed, but certainly anxious and hyped up about it. But then in the space of a day everything changed. After I lost Arnold I was glad to have the con to focus on, but I was just...torn apart. I was so exhausted and wrung out by that - there was just no room inside me, no space, for anxiety or stress or hyped-up-ness - just nothing left. So when the con came I was calm - a bit spaced out, even, in a very uncharacteristic way; I baked 75 brownies for the con using the wrong kind of chocolate, and I didn't even realize it, which people who know me know is absurdly unlike me - I just don't do that sort of thing (the Monday before I'd forgotten a Pilates exercise that I've been doing for seven years...)

I needed the refuge, the escape for a few days into the world of B&D, surrounded by people I wanted to be with - and people who understood how I was feeling; so many fans are animal people. Of course running a con is never quite the same as merely attending - but the atmosphere of this one was so relaxed and upbeat and casual... I was able to just hang out at times. I enjoyed myself. I wasn't an exhausted, overworked wreck. And having run a con before, I know that's not necessarily the norm - there wasn't much about con.txt that was fun for me. Whereas this one...I was where I wanted to be. Of course it helped that the focus of this con was my primary fannish obsession...you'd think we might tire of talking about B&D after three days of it, but Sunday night at dinner a group of us were still going strong. Never enough.

And for the few days of CQ, I felt like there was a...buffer or something between me and the pain. I could talk about Arnold, show pictures of him, without having to pull a kleenex out of my pocket (all my pockets are filled with them). Of course, when I left for home Sunday night, exhausted and feeling post-con letdown anyway, it all came crashing down. And now...well, now, with no con to focus on, nothing to distract me, it's really, really hard. I keep seeing him out of the corner of my eye, but then it hits me, over and over: he's not here, he'll never be here again. And each time it feels like my heart breaks all over again. I know it'll just take time, and it hasn't been very much time, considering how long I had him and what he meant to me. Sometimes I think about getting another kitten, some time in the future, and I wonder - is it worth it, voluntarily putting myself in this position? Do I really want to become this attached to my animals? I would never change a moment I had with Arnold, but...god, this hurts. And there's just nothing, nothing, nothing that makes it easier.

Between that and the con, these two weeks have been a blur. Thanks to all of you who have been there for me and offered your support, or just your presence - and thanks to everyone who came to CQ. I can't believe it really happened!