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	[Jul. 28th, 2007\|06:30 pm]
I really can't bear the thought of becoming tiresome about this, but I can't seem to keep myself from talking about it because it's just always on my mind...so I'm going to put Arnold stuff behind a cut-tag, where it can be easily ignored. ( Arnold ) In other news, I'm at slashy book group today, at gblvr's. We started with a con_txt con com meeting, where gblvr and I went over all the fun stuff we did for Close Quarters - some good ideas. But other people came, so we've moved on to the actual book (we don't like to subject others to the inner workings of the con com - it's like watching sausages being made g), which of course is HP/DH. And this is one of those rare, rare times that we're actually discussing the assigned book - we've spent over an hour discussing it! Of course, I haven't read it, but I've been thoroughly spoiled (by choice). I wasn't sure I wanted to; what I knew of it seemed so...disheartening, from a fannish perspective, and reading it seemed such an unappealing prospect; I'd rather read the seventh story in Telanu's Tea series. But they've convinced me I should. Of course, Telanu's story is on the list, too, but I have to re-read #s 5 and 6 in the series first. I still remember how blown away I was by The Wizard Song (#5) - I wrote a long review about it here, as I recall. But HP is always just a dabble on the side. I've started to catch up on other Pros stuff now that CQ is over, like archiving - and to think about other things, like editing. And I'm even reading a little - I've picked up Classified again, which I've only ever read once before. You'd think I might eventually get enough B&D, but you'd be wrong. Obsession is a wonderful thing! (I'm finding myself really enamored of this icon. I've had it for a long time, but for some reason it's just...really...appealing to me this week... :sigh:)
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Close Quarters	[Jul. 26th, 2007\|09:43 pm]
So Close Quarters is over - it really happened. Some of the wonderful people who came have been posting about it, but I figured that I really ought to say a little myself. I haven't said too much over the months I've been preparing for it - somehow I can't seem to figure out how to use my LJ that way, for that sort of ongoing life update, and I wish I could, because it would make me feel more connected. But it probably will come as no surprise to hear that I'm not reallyl good at being succinct! (And I know there are many of you out there to whom I owe emails, or edits; and I'm behind on archiving and various other things...I'm sorry about that and hopefully, now that the con is over, will gradually begin catching up.) Anyway, CQ went really, really well. All the weeks of preparation paid off - just about everything went smoothly and as planned. gblvr, my Number One Minion, was an immense help and such a pleasure to work with; I don't think I could have done it without her, or if I had I'd have been a lot less sane, and certainly much less happy. Not least is the fact that she's incredibly talented and full of great ideas - her Rasterbator images of Bodie, Doyle, and B&D together were just so cool. ( Rasterbator images and more about CQ ) So all in all...a success, I think; it seemed to me that that was the consensus, and the consensus definitely seemed to be that I should do it again. It was a lot of work - and definitely not a money-maker (understatement of the year!!!). But though it'd be nice to come a little closer to breaking even, what I really wanted was the feeling that people had had fun, that they'd were enthusiastic and excited to be there, that everyone was just wallowing in the B/D love, reveling in it, basking in it - all B&D, all the time. That's what I needed to make me want to do it again - the feeling that I wasn't alone with it, that people had fun and actively wanted it. That, to me, is fannish "currency" - that sharing of enthusiasm and passion, that generosity of spirit; that's what makes me willing to, glad to, give back whatever I can. And this is something I can. So I'm going to do it again, or at least it looks that way - in two years. I like the every-other-year concept, like SHareCon; I think that's better for a small con with a small attendance, and it keeps it more special. Keeps me saner, too; not burned out. (And married! g Mr. JaC has seen very little of me the past month or two... He asked, are you going to do this every year? And I said, oh no no no - not for two years. After all, next year I have to do con.txt again!) The thing about this con was...I had fun. I was able to relax and laugh and enjoy myself. A week and a half before the con I was wired and...not really stressed, but certainly anxious and hyped up about it. But then in the space of a day everything changed. After I lost Arnold I was glad to have the con to focus on, but I was just...torn apart. I was so exhausted and wrung out by that - there was just no room inside me, no space, for anxiety or stress or hyped-up-ness - just nothing left. So when the con came I was calm - a bit spaced out, even, in a very uncharacteristic way; I baked 75 brownies for the con using the wrong kind of chocolate, and I didn't even realize it, which people who know me know is absurdly unlike me - I just don't do that sort of thing (the Monday before I'd forgotten a Pilates exercise that I've been doing for seven years...) I needed the refuge, the escape for a few days into the world of B&D, surrounded by people I wanted to be with - and people who understood how I was feeling; so many fans are animal people. Of course running a con is never quite the same as merely attending - but the atmosphere of this one was so relaxed and upbeat and casual... I was able to just hang out at times. I enjoyed myself. I wasn't an exhausted, overworked wreck. And having run a con before, I know that's not necessarily the norm - there wasn't much about con.txt that was fun for me. Whereas this one...I was where I wanted to be. Of course it helped that the focus of this con was my primary fannish obsession...you'd think we might tire of talking about B&D after three days of it, but Sunday night at dinner a group of us were still going strong. Never enough. And for the few days of CQ, I felt like there was a...buffer or something between me and the pain. I could talk about Arnold, show pictures of him, without having to pull a kleenex out of my pocket (all my pockets are filled with them). Of course, when I left for home Sunday night, exhausted and feeling post-con letdown anyway, it all came crashing down. And now...well, now, with no con to focus on, nothing to distract me, it's really, really hard. I keep seeing him out of the corner of my eye, but then it hits me, over and over: he's not here, he'll never be here again. And each time it feels like my heart breaks all over again. I know it'll just take time, and it hasn't been very much time, considering how long I had him and what he meant to me. Sometimes I think about getting another kitten, some time in the future, and I wonder - is it worth it, voluntarily putting myself in this position? Do I really want to become this attached to my animals? I would never change a moment I had with Arnold, but...god, this hurts. And there's just nothing, nothing, nothing that makes it easier. Between that and the con, these two weeks have been a blur. Thanks to all of you who have been there for me and offered your support, or just your presence - and thanks to everyone who came to CQ. I can't believe it really happened!
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	[Jul. 14th, 2007\|07:14 pm]
Thank you, so much, to all of you who responded about Arnold with your sympathies and kind words and hugs. I'm overwhelmed by all the support. I can't quite bring myself to respond to each of you individually right now, but I've read all your comments, many times, and though it makes me cry - of course, everything does, right now - knowing you're there, and that so many of you know and understand just what I'm feeling, makes such a difference. And I'd forgotten how many of you had met him, some of you many times - somehow that's comforting, that others remember him too. I'm not doing particularly well, but I didn't expect anything else. Arnie was part of just about every day of my life for fifteen years. Almost every minute I was at home, for just about all my adult life, since I graduated from law school (he was my law school graduation gift to myself), he was with me - in my lap or next to me on the desk or on the bed; wherever I was, he was. If I was sitting at the computer, he was there. If I got up and went to another room, he followed me, even if he'd been sound asleep - trotting after me on his little bitty feet. If I went to the kitchen, there he was, waiting for his share - he ate like a goat, anything and everything, and for such a tiny guy he had an appetite that never stopped. He purred at the drop of a hat and slept under the covers curled against me. Until his later years, whenever he heard me come in the door he trotted down the stairs to meet me. When I picked him up and stroked him the way he liked, he was the happiest cat in the world. For the last four years I've had to give him subcutaneous fluids every night or every other night, and for the past few months he's had to have Flovent for asthma, which he had to inhale through a special cat inhaler mask. He was always the best patient, trusting me totally, enduring everything I did to him patiently and then bouncing right back, looking for his treat, purring madly. He never struggled or fought or ran away. His kidney function was very poor when he was diagnosed four years ago; we never thought he'd make it this long. But he had an amazing will to live - he loved life, loved people, loved the other cats, and loved me, and was, as aerye said so well, a wonderful, happy, brave little soul, full of life and vitality and spirit, without a mean bone in his body, and as loving and faithful as an animal could be. He was that way from the moment I got him as a tiny, tiny, tiny little kitten (he was always a runt) so many years ago. I couldn't be more lucky than to have had him in my life for so long - and I will miss him forever. Working on CQ stuff distracts me, which is good, but as soon as I take a break or lose my focus, or look at the place where he usually sat, I just lose it. I can't tell if my other cats know what's going on; they don't seem upset, but Koko and Conan in particular have been around me quite a bit today, and it's nice. I love them all, they're wonderful cats - but my attachment to Arnold was on another level, and I don't know that I'll ever have that again. I don't quite know what to do, what I want to do, to remember him. For horses it's typical to keep tail hair - I have a bracelet made of Griggs's tail hair, gorgeously woven by a woman who's revived the Victorian art of hair weaving (I decided I wanted it while he was still alive) - but you can't really weave a bracelet out of cat hair, though I did keep a bit of his. I decided I didn't want to keep his ashes; the vet hospital had an option to have him cremated with other pets, and their ashes are scattered over a farm in West Virginia, and I chose that. The hospital gave me a little clay imprint of his paw, and it has some of his little hairs in it - it makes me weep to look at it, but I'm so glad to have it. For now, though, here are a few pictures of Arnie through the years. As a tiny, runty, happy little kitten, three months old...I found these pictures earlier this year and scanned them, and posted them on his fifteenth birthday. He was a Valentine's kitty, born on February 14th - fitting for a cat with such a big heart. With some of the others, looking sleek and happy He loved the laptop, and he fit on it perfectly... As he got older, he slept a lot more...he loved our house down in NC. We were just there last week, and he was so happy. Last year we got Conan...he's Arnie's legacy, in a way; the only Burmese in the house now. And this is one of the very last pictures I have of him, taken in the end of April. If I'd known I'd have taken so many more...there's never, ever, ever enough time, is there?
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	[Jul. 13th, 2007\|06:44 pm]
Arnold is gone. The vet called, and to make a long story short, he got worse over the past day rather than better. His kidneys had almost completely shut down, even aside from the neurological damage from the stroke. There was no hope for recovery anymore, and it was just...time. So we drove out to the cat emergency hospital/specialist vet place where he was, so I could say goodbye and hold him while they did it. When I saw him I was even surer that it was the right thing to do, the only thing. He was clearly so damaged by the stroke, and barely responsive. He was such a happy cat, so full of life until a day and a half ago; I couldn't make him live like that, even if he could survive. I was so glad to be able to hold him for a while one last time, though, and hold him while they did it. They put us in a room by ourselves (Mr. JaC was with me) with comfortable chairs and lots of tissues, and the vet came in to us when we were ready. And I could tell he knew me, when they gave him to me, and I was so glad of that. He reacted when I stroked him the way he loved. And so he knew I was with him at the end. But now I'm just...torn apart. I've had a lot of animals, but I've never loved one as much as I loved that cat. And I don't think I will never have another cat who loved me, adored me, as much as he did. Everywhere I look, he's not there.
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	[Jul. 13th, 2007\|11:31 am]
My little Arnold is in the cat hospital, in intensive care... He probably had a stroke yesterday, and between that and his extremely limited kidney function (which may indeed have caused the stroke), well, things don't look good. I'm giving it a little time to see whether the measures they took last night had a significant positive effect, but I'm not very hopeful, and at this point I'm not willing to put him through too much - he's been such a happy little cat, and such a trouper. I love all my cats, but he has always been special. I just don't know what I'm going to do without him. Luckily I have nine million things to do for Close Quarters, which fast approaches...focusing on that gives me something else to think about. It's a refuge, as, I suppose, fandom often is.
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	[Jun. 15th, 2007\|06:47 pm]
My poor Griggs had another episode of choke this morning (the last one - and actually, his first one - was in December). This time I was there - I ride on Friday mornings, and he choked on his breakfast, so it was starting as I got there. It was just terrible to watch. He was so utterly, completely miserable, making awful sounds, with greenish slime periodically pouring out of his nose, and hunched in the corner of his stall... He looked small, and that's pretty tough, as he's an enormous guy. The vet came and tubed him - put a tube down his nose and into his esophagus and pumped warm water in until the mass of food stuck there began to soften and break up. And after that he felt much better - perked right up (after the drugs wore off) and was his normal self. But...this is really worrying. I'd really hoped that the episode in December was a fluke, as it had never happened before. But each episode makes it more likely that it will happen again - scarring narrows the esophagus - and so now it's clear we have a potentially perennial problem on our hands and have to be really careful. His feed definitely needs to be soaked from now on until it's almost soupy. It really is so hard to watch an animal suffer. I was just so glad this was something so easily treatable. Bodie and I have a horse show tomorrow, which means I have to get up at an ungodly hour and attempt to beautify him...he really is quite lovely, in keeping with his name, but he truly hates being beautified - he fidgets and wiggles and has no patience for it at all. And the second he's all finished and I let him out in his field, he throws himself in the nearest patch of dirt. I'm convinced it's because he doesn't want to blind us all with his beauty - or outshine his pasture buddies. g Anyway, I'm hoping we improve - last few shows we've had a real problem with him spooking when we get anywhere near the judge...hopefully with more showing experience he'll grow more used to the whole thing. In other news, preparations for Close Quarters is heating up. I can't believe how close it is, and how much there is to do! I just keep telling myself, it will all get done, one way or another... But have you ever had one of those frustrating periods where it feels like no one returns your emails, right when you most need answers? I keep wondering - is it me? Is it my email? Is it the phase of the moon? :sigh: You know, I really, really love Pros. And I'm really kind of truly madly deeply obsessed with B/D. (I just had to say that. :-D)
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	[Jun. 8th, 2007\|04:00 pm]
I have a friend...we used to be exceptionally close; for a variety of reasons we're not quite as close anymore, but she's still a good friend. Much of our friendship has always revolved around horses. We met through horses (though it turned out we lived near each other and had other things in common). She'd ridden for a lot of her life, unlike me, but when we met, neither of us had a horse. A few months after we met I got Griggs. Then about six months later she got her horse, William, a big Irish sport horse. At that time we were at the same barn, and we would go on trail together, see each other all the time... She had a lot of issues with William; he never stayed sound for long, had a lot of problems in his left front that the vets were never able to satsfactorily diagnose or cure. In October 2004 she found another horse for serious riding and semi-retired William, though she still used him for trail-riding and a little bit of jumping. A few months later I got Bodie. So our "horse lives" kind of paralleled each other, even though eventually we moved off to different barns - about ten minutes apart - and our riding went in different directions. We still talked about it all the time and helped each other out with all sorts of horse stuff. We do Pilates together once a week and then have lunch, and mostly we talk about horses. This past Monday she was telling me about William's latest issues. And then yesterday he did something out in his field - took a bad step? stepped in a hole? no one knows - that shattered his left front pastern joint (below his ankle, right above his hoof), and he had to be put down immediately. It all happened in less than an hour. He was only 15. At least he didn't suffer at all; it was quick, and there was absolutely no question about what needed to be done. He didn't even seem to be in much pain - but for my friend, of course, there's plenty of pain, and a great big hole where he used to be. And for the rest of us who knew him, too. I remember the day he came...I've known him almost as long as I've known Griggs. I can't believe he's gone. And once again, it slams home for me how...fragile they are, these creatures we love so much. And how the same thing could happen to me, at any moment. I'm trying to immerse myself, escape, in happier fannish thoughts. But I am sad, sad, sad.
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Pros-y things...	[Jun. 6th, 2007\|04:36 pm]
Oh wow, it's been forever since I posted. I don't even know where to start. Cats? Horses? Pros? I shouldn't let myself get so out of touch... Well, maybe I'll limit this to Pros. And I'll make a list - that'll help! I love lists! :-) 1) Nattercon! I went to Nattercon...I love going to Nattercon, for many reasons. And finally, after three years, I am starting to remember people! That makes it a lot more fun. I saw many Pros fans from across the pond, spent wonderful time with old friends and really enjoyed meeting some new folks whom I'd only known online before, like kiwisue. Truthfully, the con wasn't quite...Pros-y enough for me this year, but it was still good. My own zine premiered there - I carried 26 zines over (my case weighed 60 lbs!!), which was pretty exciting - and so did another wonderful zine. More about both of those below. After the con I spent a few days in London, first with Fish, which is always time to treasure, and then with msmoat and elizabethoshea, which was similarly marvelous - and very Pros-y! It was a great trip. 2) Never Far Apart! I got the zines from the printer (after a few heartstopping near-disasters) the day before I left for Nattercon, so I was able to bring it there and send it with an agent to MediaWest. I sold all the ones I brought to Nattercon - which was good, because I didn't have to lug them home! g And... I am absolutely stunned and incredulous at how well it's been doing. I've sold over 100 copies. I never, ever expected or even imagined this. I'm...humbled. And grateful, to Suzan for making it so beautiful, really outdoing herself; to the authors; and to everyone who's taking a flyer on me, a first-time zine publisher. Wow. And god I hope it doesn't disappoint. (BTW, anyone who's reading this who placed an order - all orders are in the mail!) This has really made me see that online fic notwithstanding - and obviously I am a big believer in it! g - there is still a huge appetite out there for zines, and I'm so happy about that, since I myself absolutely love zines. And it definitely makes me want to continue with this Pros zine publishing stuff, at least for a while! 3) Close Quarters - it's only a little more than six weeks away now, and I'm getting both excited and nervous... It's time for me to buckle down and start really planning, and I've asked on the Mailing List for people's thoughts and ideas about various things, like art and vid shows. If you're not signed up, and a weekend of all-B-and-D sounds fun, think about giving it a shot! And a reminder to anyone who's considering coming: the special room rate of $99, which includes full breakfast, is good only until June 20. 4) Kate MacLean... Finally, I can't end this without mentioning the other zine that premiered at Nattercon: a new novel by Kate MacLean, called Redemption. Any of you who read, or (more likely g), saw and skipped, my Musings on Kate MacLean last August know how much I love her. So to say I'd been awaiting this new novel (which she'd been working on for years) eagerly would be something of an understatement. And...well, I don't know what to say. "I love it" seem so inadequate somehow. It is...amazing. Incredible. Stunning. I think it is by far the best thing she's every written - and that, for me, is saying something. I can't get it out of my head; I don't think I will ever get it out of my head. I thought about writing a much longer post about it, and I intend to, but I've decided to wait until more people have had a chance to read it. But...I wanted to at least post something, because I'm not sure whether people know about it, and everyone should know about it. It's not an easy read - KM is never an easy read, as far as I'm concerned. She makes you feel everything, good and bad. She takes you on a ride. But it's deeply, profoundly satisfying, and so incredibly beautiful and so... Well. Incredible. It's just...brilliant; I've never read anything like it - it touches everything in me, every place where B & D live. It's available from Gryphon Press; the contact info is in the Files sections of Pros-lit and Proslib, or email me...I brought eight of them home for people, and I'm going to see if it's possible for me to have some available at Close Quarters; I don't know if that'll be workable, but I'll do my best. Well, okay, that wasn't so hard - fun, even! Maybe I'll find a way to get back in the swing of this LJ stuff... :-)
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Getting Close...	[May. 1st, 2007\|12:01 pm]
Okay, it's the first of May, the long cold winter is over, Pros has proliferated, and it's time to start thinking about...Close Quarters! Everyone on my f-list probably knows this already, but I'm posting it here anyway, because I want you all to come, and also to spread the word! Close Quarters is a single-fandom Pros slash con in Laurel, Maryland (between Baltimore and Washington DC), July 20-22. Three days of nothing but all Bodie-and-Doyle, all the time... There'll be talking, there'll be watching, there'll be vids, there'll be zines, there'll be games... what else there'll be will be up to the people who come! But mostly it's all about sharing the joy, the love, the obsession... This is going to be a small con, and we've got a really good group so far - plus some much-appreciated supporting members from across the pond, including the lovely and talented Sebastian - but it'd be great to have even more! And the time is fast approaching: I'm going to start up discussion on the mailing list about panels and activities this week, and the special hotel room rate (only $99! Which includes a full breakfast!) expires on June 20. So if you're the slightest bit interested...check out the website, join the mailing list, drop me a line. Or if you know someone who you think might be intrigued - send them my way. Spread the word to whoever you think might like to know about it. And if you're already coming to the con and might be willing to help a little while you're there, I'd love to know about that, too. Here's the important info: Close Quarters www.cqcon.com July 20-22, 2007 Full weekend - $45 Single day - $25 Supporting - $20 Close Quarters Mailing List: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/closequarters Livejournal community (for announcements only): cqcon Any questions? Email me (contact info is on the CQ website), comment here, post on the mailing list... I'm getting into gear now, and I'd love any of you who love Pros and Bodie and Doyle - or think you might, if only you knew more about them - to come along with me for the ride... Obsession is a wonderful thing!
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Pros zine!	[Apr. 19th, 2007\|05:46 pm]
Never Far Apart is now available for ordering! Or actually, pre-ordering; printing is in progress, but zines won't be ready and shipment won't begin until probably mid-May or so. The price is $28 (not including postage). I'm currently taking pre-orders for Nattercon and Close Quarters (I haven't yet decided whether I'm going to send zines with an agent to Media West; if so, I'll announce that as soon as I know). *If you want to pick up a zine at Nattercon, please* pre-order! Otherwise there's no guarantee that I'll have enough, as I'm not planning to take very many beyond the number that are pre-ordered. You can pay for pre-ordered zines at the con, and while I generally only take U.S. dollars, for Nattercon I'm making an exception: you can pay at the con in pounds (cash only). The price per zine will be £15 (which is higher than the USD price, to cover my exchange costs). To place an order, either to be shipped or to pick up at a con, go to the Justazine Publications website (www.justazine.com). And speaking of cons... If you want an even bigger dose of Pros slash, consider coming to Close Quarters, a Professionals slash con to be held July 20-22 in the Baltimore/DC area - where you can pick up the zine in person! I'll be starting to post more information about the con and getting the mailing list going in the very near future... Never Far Apart, published by Justazine Publications, April 2007: An anthology of nine B/D slash stories, all set in the broad CI5 universe (i.e., no AUs) Full-sized, double-column format, 208 pages (186,000 words), coil (spiral) bound With a 2-part full-color cover, five color interior illustrations, and five black and white interior illustrations by Suzan Lovett The authors are: Elizabeth Holden, PFL, Sally Fell, The Hag, Josey, Callisto, P.R. Zed, Lacey McBain, and Angelfish** Full information and story titles and blurbs are available at the website. (And thanks to Suzan for - among other things - my colophon, which I love...)
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New Pros Zine: I think this counts as B/D proliferation.... (Day 6!)	[Apr. 10th, 2007\|06:33 pm]
Okay, I've waffled long enough - it's time to just do it. I've been working on a big project for the past, oh, year plus. Some of you know about it, but I haven't talked publicly about it - I've wanted to wait until it was far enough along. Now it is; all the pieces are in my grubby little hands and the process is this close to finished. So... I am very pleased, and a little shell-shocked, to announce Never Far Apart, a brand new Pros slash zine! Here's the important information: Never Far Apart, published by Justazine Publications: An anthology of nine B/D slash stories, all set in the broad CI5 universe (i.e., no AUs) Full-sized, double-column format, 208 pages (185,000 words), spiral bound With a 2-part full-color cover, five color interior illustrations, and five black and white interior illustrations by Suzan Lovett The authors are: Elizabeth Holden, PFL, Sally Fell, The Hag, Josey, Callisto, P.R. Zed, Lacey McBain, and Angelfish Full information and story titles and blurbs are available at the Justazine Publications website, www.justazine.com. The price hasn't yet been determined, but I will announce it within the next week - and after that the zine will be available for ordering through the Justazine website. I'll give more details when that happens. I'm expecting them to be published within two to four weeks. (It will be done well before I leave for Nattercon, on May 17, and I'll be bringing some with me...) I have more things I want to say about it - like about the wonderful people who helped me! - but for now I just want to post this, because otherwise, knowing me, I will sit here and tweak for another week, and then another, and another... and it's time to set this baby free! :-)
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B/D Proliferation, Day 5 Redux	[Apr. 5th, 2007\|09:27 am]
No, not Day 6 yet... But since I liked Day 5 so much, I figured I'd go ahead and put up some more pretty pictures - namely, a scorching little series from In the Public Interest that I somehow overlooked yesterday in my zeal to post... Here's a taste: ( More sexy shoulder holsters! ) empty_mirrors pointed out in a comment yesterday that there's just "a hint of bondage and restraint about the holsters as well," which adds "a frisson of something a tad kinky" - I think she's on to something!
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Pros Proliferation: Day Five!	[Apr. 4th, 2007\|05:07 pm]
I think I've had enough of words for the moment; now it's time for some pretty pictures! So today is all about the hotness that is Bodie and Doyle in their shoulder holsters. There's just something about those leather straps and what they represent - competence, physicality, aggression, masculinity (I don't know, they just seem masculine to me) - not to mention the way they highlight the back and chest... And what's paradoxically such a turn-on about them, for me at least, is that they're just everyday equipment for Bodie and Doyle; not sexy or unusual or provocative at all. Still, something about the idea of them having hot sex up against a wall after an op, with only their shirts and shoulder harnesses on... or sex on the bed, with the holsters hanging over the bed posts...mmm. Maybe it's nothing special for them, but it does nice things for me! So with that in mind, here are two lovely images to start off with, from First Night and A Hiding to Nothing... ( Much more eye candy behind the cut! ) Sometimes I look at these pictures, and realize it's the x-hundredth time I've seen them and yet they still have an effect to me. It occurs to me to wonder yet again...is there an end to obsession? Ah, I hope not...
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Pros Slash Proliferation, Day 4	[Apr. 3rd, 2007\|11:09 am]
So today I'd thought I'd offer a tribute to writers who make me work for my supper - writers who make me think. I'm a re-reader, and assuming I like the basic story - meaning, in fanfic, that it's a good slash love story - I appreciate stories and writing that don't offer everything up on first reading, that continue to give me more, to yield more, each time I revisit them. I don't want this all the time - sometimes I want easy and light, and the stories I'm talking about are often tough and anxiety-provoking to read until I figure them out. But I do love it. To me it can be immensely satisfying to...figure it out, to fit the pieces the author gives me together and have "aha!" moments. Like putting a puzzle together; I'm a more active participant, and it makes the whole reading experience more rewarding to me. Yes, it's "work" in a way, and this is supposed to be fun, but...I've used this analogy before: it's like running on a treadmill versus riding Bodie or Griggs. Both require effort, exertion, but the first feels like exercise; the second, while no less work, is unalloyed pleasure and feels great - before, during, and after. But this is only effective in the hands of a skilled writer. There's a difference between depth and complexity, carefully revealed hints and clues, a carefully unfolding structure, on the one hand; and true murky obscurity, confusion and frustration with no satisfaction at the end of it, on the other. And also, I for one don't have to work, to read between the lines, to see the relationship, the love - I am not interested anymore in slash as subtext! g So here are a few of my favorite stories - or really, authors - who make you work for it a bit, but reward that work exponentially. 1) Almost all PFL's stories take a little bit of work to really get; this is one of her hallmarks. But they're incredibly, masterfully constructed; every single clue is there, and right where it should be, where it needs to be. When you re-read you discover links - like repeated words and phrases, which could be accidental but aren't; they're quite conscious. You have to trust this author: everything has a purpose, everything has a place, everything belongs exactly where it is and nowhere else - it's up to you to figure out why. It's all exceptionally well thought out, and the more you read the more you will discover, the more the structure and pattern will become apparent to you - and when it comes to structure, she has few equals. It's quite difficult to pick an exerpt to illustrate this; you really need context, but in keeping with the theme, because she is, really, a Master Gardener herself, here's a bit of the lads discovering the true extent - or what they think to be the true extent - of their master's manoeuvrings: ( Read more...from PFL, Master Gardener ) 2) I must admit that Rimy is sometime too...oblique, even for me (though she can also be eminently accessible). I don't always get what she's doing. But I think her Werewolves of London is absolutely, stunningly brilliant. This is a story that requires careful reading and benefits from multiple re-readings; not until you've finished it can you even understand the basic structure, which is essential, really to appreciate the story. She has very carefully chosen when things should be disclosed to the reader, how the story should unfold; it's not linear, but it's logical and effective. nellhowell described this really well, so I'll quote her: "each new revelation leads us to keep altering our perceptions, to fit in more pieces, until finally we have the full picture" - if we're willing to work for it. At times Rimy leaves the reader a bit in the starry twilight, leaves things a bit obscure and unspoken. She sketches things, hints at them - and then she almost twists away, twists and flickers and then throws another barrage of wonderful, witty, totally original prose or dialogue at you - prose or dialogue that almost certainly means more than you think upon first reading it, that is there for a reason and not just because it's looks good (though it definitely does do that). Again in keeping with our theme: here's a bit of Bodie having his own revelation... ( Read more...from Rimy, Werewolves of London ) 3) Kate MacLean makes you work in a different way. It's not so much complex structure...with her it's more about absolutely brilliant use of point of view: very tight third, and very unreliable narrator. It's very easy to take her at surface value, to think (in her typical story, which is from Bodie's POV) Doyle's a cold, selfish, unfeeling bastard who does nothing but hurt poor Bodie; to think Bodie's insecure and miserable...and their relationship is nothing but angst and misery. It's very easy to forget that we're seeing the entire thing through Bodie's jaundiced eyes; and what's more, that we're viewing a particularly...fraught period in Bodie's emotional life. You have to read carefully - but if you do, you see the hints the author very carefully and very precisely gives us, through Bodie's eyes, of what's really going on: Bodie can't see it, and sometimes Doyle doesn't even know it, but we can see it - if we're willing to do the work, to look through the surface. And it's not always easy, because this author is good; she's a past master at building tension, and it's not until you've re-read a few times, I think, that you can relax enough to let yourself relax enough to see beyond the feelings she evokes. Oh, so hard to choose a quote! But here's a bit which might show, just a little, how we can see what Bodie can't, how Bodie just isn't getting it, but it's so easy to be taken in by his despair, to miss the clues... ( Read more...from Kate MacLean, Choosing )
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B/D Slash Proliferation: Day 3...	[Mar. 30th, 2007\|04:37 pm]
The interaction between Bodie and Doyle in the episodes is a joy to watch. They regularly call into question each other's sanity and disparage each other's intellectual capacity, clothing, eating habits, and/or appeal to the opposite sex - it's all fair game. There are far too many memorable instances to enumerate - some of my favorites are in First Night - Bodie's "half an ear, perhaps"; the scenes on the bus and in the car... There's the "food through a goose" exchange in Lawson's Last Stand, and the "ears like a hawk" exchange in Everest. It's snarky at times, silly at times, and surprisingly suggestive at times ("I'm like a fine piece of machinery - I need lubrication" - Bodie in Heroes) - but it's always intimate, and the undertone of affection is ever-present and unmistakable. Their feelings for each other shine through it all, and their primary focus almost always seems to be on each other. It's wonderful to behold. Some authors have a gift for capturing the spirit and tone of that banter - I can hear it in my head when I read, and it makes me smile. Here are a few examples... "What've you been doing?" "This and that." Doyle shifted and sped up to pass a slow-moving mini, then slowed again. "Ah. Files, eh?" Doyle grinned. "Yeah. Got out now and again, thank God." "Who'd you work with?" "No one. Well, Jax once. The Cow's mostly had me working solo." "Ah. Sensible of the Old Man." Doyle indulged him. "Sensible?" "Gives him a hold over the rest of them, doesn't it. Get out of line and all he has to say is: 'Och, I'll partner you with Doyle, lad....'" "Thanks. Friend." ( Read more... )
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Pros Slash Proliferation, Day 2	[Mar. 29th, 2007\|06:19 pm]
A non-slasher friend once asked me why I liked slash - with the two guys together, she said, there's no room for me in the picture; wouldn't I rather imagine one of them with me? Well...no. :-) I never want "me" in the picture - I guess I'm just a voyeur at heart, and for me, slash is essentially voyeuristic - it satisfies my deep desire to see "behind the bedroom doors," both figuratively, in the sense of seeing into the relationship, seeing the most intimate aspects of it; and, of course, quite literally! So it seems fitting to highlight some scenes from B/D slash stories that incorporate the concept of voyeurism in various ways... (Here's just a taste, and there's much more behind the cut!) Even in the dark of his room, after midnight, he flushed, his blood rising at the memory of what he had seen. It had been a high bed, with four posts--high enough to give him a view he could have had in no other circumstances. He stood there less than thirty seconds, a mere wisp of time, and then he had closed the door again, swiftly, silently, and he had run, actually run for the front door. Only when out in the crisp morning air had he been able to breathe, to take hold of his impulse to keep running. He had walked back to his car, eyes on his polished shoes, hands clenched and in his pockets. Once there, he sank gratefully down onto the plush upholstery and waited for his heart to slow. He stared straight ahead, but every man and woman on his most-wanted list could have walked by his vehicle and he would not have seen. His eyes were still full of the memory of what he had seen. Bodie. Big Bodie, naked, his pale skin flushed to rosy pink, had been on his knees, his face buried in a big white pillow which he clutched fervently. How erotic it was, to see all that strength presented so vulnerably. The arse, all white curves and solid muscle, thrust up. Not that much of it could be seen, covered, as it was, by Ray Doyle's...Ray Doyle's.... ( Four different takes on voyeurism ) Yum.
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Pros slash!	[Mar. 27th, 2007\|01:15 pm]
Despite best intentions, I haven't posted in forever, but this is enough to get me off my butt... From ci5hq and paris7am, the Pros Slash Proliferation Challenge! I can do this, I can - seven as-close-as-possible-to-consecutive days of Pros slash! Not like it's painful for someone as obsessed as I am, right? I mean, slash proliferation - Pros slash proliferation - twist my arm, why don't you. g The only hard thing about it is deciding exactly how to...proliferate. Hmm. Well, I could look at it as an incentive to do things I need to do anyway...like whittle away at my endless backlog of things to be archived. With that in mind, my offering for today: Suzan's "Doyle's Dream" ( and its companion piece, Bodie's Dream... ) Oh, I think this is going to make me very happy... :-) Click here to take part in the Pros Slash Proliferation Challenge!
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A long winter...	[Feb. 14th, 2007\|04:06 pm]
Well, after weeks and weeks of sickness and misery, major sinusitis and sinus infections from hell, CAT scans, and repeated colds, about which I probably don't need to go into too much detail, I think the heavy artillery antibiotics and steroids are finally starting to kick in. For the first time since maybe mid-January, I'm not completely exhausted, drained, and unable to find the energy to do much of anything except read zines - Pros, of course, in case anyone had any doubt! g. Keeping my fingers crossed that the worst is over (I know I've said that before, though...). I'm so tired of being sick. And I'm so tired of being cold! I'm tired of winter, tired of February... Escapade next week, though; that's something to look forward to. Major snow/ice storm here yesterday and last night... Like a crazy person, I slip-slided the 35 miles out to the barn this morning regardless - come rain, come sleet, come snow; it's crazy, but I can't stand not seeing my boys. I do have very good all-wheel drive...but the roads were an absolute disaster. I've never seen anything like it. Took me more than twice as long as usual, and the carnage on the sides of the road had to be seen to be believed. Most of them were barely plowed - even the highways had only one passable lane, if that. It was harrowing, but I'm a true believer in Audi Quatro all-wheel drive - I was doing much better than most of the people on the road, even the ones in big SUVs. I made it all the way to the driveway of my barn, where I got stuck, because out there it had actually snowed quite a lot, and the snow was just a bit too deep for my car. After the barn manager plowed the driveway she gave me a little push with the tractor and I was fine. At 28 degrees, it felt veritably balmy after the recent cold, plus with all the shoveling to get pasture and barn gates opening, I worked up a sweat. But the freezing rain and sleet continued throughout the morning, resulting in shifting snow and lots of noise on the tin roof of the indoor arena - even Griggs was spooking and wild-eyed. We put the horses outside... they were a bit bedraggled, with wet ears and icicles on their leg hair, but under their blankets they were dry and warm enough. I was glad I went. And finally, I can't let the day pass without taking a moment to note that it's my little Arnie's 15th birthday today. He's my little tiny Burmese whom I bought as a law school graduation gift for myself, and though I love all five of my cats, I adore him more than anything. Some of you have met him and know how sweet he is. Arnold was diagnosed with kidney disease almost four years ago, and we thought he had only months to live - his numbers are that bad. But miraculously, here he is at fifteen. The vet calls him a miracle kitty. Somehow he lives, thrives, on reduced kidney function, and he has an amazing will to live. He's a skinny little runt - well, he's always been a runt; at his heaviest he was only 6.5 lbs, and now he's less than 5.5 - but he's happy as can be, with a voracious appetite, playful, and so amazingly loving (I do give him subcutaneous fluids four or five times a week and feed him a special diet). Here's he is - as a tiny little kitten (he's always been a runt!) - and now: He's my Valentine kitty, and I'm grateful for every single day I have with him.
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Mourning a loss...	[Jan. 30th, 2007\|03:09 pm]
Reading, thinking, about Barbaro makes my heart hurt. Something about the loss of a creature with such spirit and will to live, who fought so hard and good-naturedly for so long... There were some moving articles about him in the Washington Post this morning. One columnist wrote, in an effort to explain why he seems to have touched and captivated so many people, why he was so loved: But it's not anthropomorphic to say that horses are irreproachably benevolent creatures, and this is surely one of the causes of our grief over Barbaro. It's a fact that of 4,000-odd animal species, only a very few are tame-able, none more so than horses. They are peaceful grazers by nature, and willing by disposition. Despite their considerable size advantage, they tolerate us and even bear burdens for us. While [they] can certainly be fearsome, their misbehavior is a flight response, not sadism, or outlawry. They have followed us, and favored us with their gifts to an extent that few other animals do, and partnered with us throughout history, from Persia to the Pony Express. "Gallant" is a word often applied to them, and it's apt. How true. Sometimes when I lead Bodie or Griggs onto the trailer, I'm so struck by their willingness - the fact that they go against millions of years of evolution, walk into a tiny, enclosed box, simply because I ask them to. It's humbling. And so, as Jane Smiley says, there is something "extra-large" about the death of a horse. "Yes, to those who don't care about horses, terrible things are happening all over the world these days, and they demand from many people an unprecedented level of endurance, but we horse lovers say: This, too? That this beautiful and innocent animal should also die?" People who know horses see their kind and willing spirit all the time, but for the public, Barbaro epitomized it. Plus, of course, Barbaro's loss hits close to home for me, reminding me yet again how easily things could go wrong. One wrong step, one bad swallow... Jane Smiley began her column recalling the death of one of her horses by colic - remembering staring at the horse's body, which was perfect but for the twist in her gut. And, she said, "so it is with all horses. They are engineered so close to the margins of what is physically possible that when one thing fails, it can cause the failure of the whole animal." You can't be around horses for long, can't love them, without having this knowledge as a constant low background hum in your mind. You just have to find a way to tune it out most of the time. Which, perhaps, is true of life in general. But there's something about animals... Gretchen Jackson, Barbaro's owner, had the truth of it when she said yesterday: "Certainly, grief is the price we all pay for love."
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Fandom practice...	[Jan. 26th, 2007\|03:59 pm]
I resolved after my New Year's post to try to post more this year, reach out a bit, even just with trivialities. I have failed miserably so far, but maybe it is not too late to start... The problem, though, is that, to use aerye's always-excellent words, it is so very, very easy to get out of practice with fandom, or more specifically, with participating in certain aspects of fandom, and I am so woefully out of practice that I don't even remember how to do it. How do I do it? Maybe I start with me? I'm sick. I've been sick for a week and a half - on-and-off miserable, with days that I don't want to get out of bed alternating with days that I feel just sort of yucky. Today is a just sort of yucky day. But it was 12 degrees this morning when I got to the barn. Twelve - as in...well, as in only two more than ten!! Humans weren't meant to exist in that kind of weather! Plus there were 15-20mph winds; wind-chills close to 0! It hasn't been this cold here in years, and I resent it deeply! [[ETA: That's 12 degrees Fahrenheit, which is -12 degrees Celsius!]] And yet, out to the barn I went, at my normal ridiculous early hour. I rode three horses between 6:45 and 9:30 am - Bodie, Griggs, and one of my trainer's horses - and I never got warm, despite umpteen layers. I looked like a snowman. Here's a picture from before Christmas proving it (plus a picture of Bodie's ears, just because I think they're cute): ( Bodie with a snowman on his back ) Anyway, we didn't ride for very long, because the cold dry air is hard on the horse's lungs, but horses are such heat generators - they didn't seem particularly bothered by the temperatures and seemed warm enough under their winter blankets, even with their "trace clips" (where the long winter hair on the areas that sweat the most - basically, the underside of the body: belly, neck, etc. - is clipped short (the clip follows the line of harness traces). At a clinic late last year, a well-known dressage judge said about Bodie, "that's a very sexy clip." Hmm. I wasn't quite sure what to say to him! g) ( Picture of Bodie's sexy clip ) Anyway, after we were done riding today and had put them out, they stood in the cold wind munching happily at the pile of hay in their field: ( Horses in dirty blankets, munching! ) In other news - Pros, Pros and more Pros, as usual; I can't get enough. I've been trying to catch up with archiving... I posted a story on the Circuit Archive a few weeks ago by a brand new author that I really enjoyed. It's called It's a Dog's Life; the author is Dog's Rose. It's a slight story, but I think she has a marvelous way with words, with language, and I like the humor. It's very different, and I think it's worth noting. msmoat came to visit two weeks ago and we had an absolutely fabulous time. It was so nice to meet her! aerye and ancastar came over one of the days, and we had our own impromptu Pros con - talking about stories, watching eps and vids...it was bliss. Speaking of Pros cons, I must start thinking about Close Quarters...you all want to come to a Pros con next summer, don't you?! Come! It will be fun! And I'm excited to be going to Nattercon again in May - though before that there's Escapade, which isn't only Pros, but I like it anyway. g I've been re-reading zines since I've been sick and realizing - my Pros obsession grows ever deeper, even after more than three years. Can this be normal? Does it matter? And maybe that's enough for a first effort - not profound, but (hopefully) better than nothing... :-)
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